A Safe Space 002

Hey momma’s..

I recently posted a story to @kingdes asking what you’d want to discuss together here on safe space. A lot of you mentioned forgiveness and doing the job of mommy, alone. I want to address both of these things here. Before anything, I’m going to share a part of my personal life and current experience.

Number one, my daughter is my world. There is nothing that I wouldn’t do for her.

In all actuality, I do everything for her. I’m her mommy, her daddy, her friend, her teacher, her doctor, her cheerleader, her disciplinary, her #1 fan, and I could go on and on. I always keep my daughter’s best interest in mind. ALWAYS. Momma’s, I KNOW FIRST HAND THAT BEING ALL OF THESE THINGS ALONE IS HARD. I SEE YOU, I HEAR YOU, I AM YOU. It isn’t easy, and I don’t think it ever will be. I cry, A LOT. I struggle, A LOT. No matter what, it’s like I have to stand tall for Kyrie. Is it fair to me? HELL NO. I didn’t sign up for this alone, BUT I take it in stride.

So does it get easier? I don’t think so. I think you just learn how to keep pushing through it. One mommy mentioned she can’t let her little man see her down, and that her fake smile is real. I understand that. You HAVE to keep pushing for these little people. Us mothers are the true heroes of the world. We keep it rotating!

As I said, I don’t think it gets easier. The only advice I have is = mindset. Your mindset is what is going to get you through every single thing. How we think affects EVERY FUCKING THING in life. No matter what, try your hardest (and I know it’s hard) to keep a positive mindset. Know that God doesn’t give you anything you cannot handle, so my ladies in this predicament we are FORD TOUGH. Keep your mind strong at all times, and give yourself some mothafuckin PROPS. You are doing the damn thing, and you don’t need ANYONE to validate that!

I know sometimes it doesn’t feel fair. I want to make it very clear, that it isn’t. It isn’t fucking fair, but I promise you it is sooo worth it. In the end, your little one will know who’s the one that did it for ‘em.

Her father and I have yet to come to a mutual agreement when it comes to her, which is what is going to lead me to the topic of forgiveness.

When it comes to forgiveness, I myself am still learning how to do that in entirety. I once loved the man I made Kyrie with, but with time, it became the total opposite. In all reality, when I look back and reflect on our past, I was giving so much of myself, and it wasn’t, and would never be, worth it. That goes for anyone, never give more than you are given, never sacrifice who YOU are for anyone, and never settle for bare minimum bullshit.

I take full responsibility for what I have done, because relationships are a two way street. What I’d like to add to that, is that I didn’t react in the ways that I did for no reason. I gave everything I could, and then some. I sacrificed my happiness for the sake of my family, for the sake of my daughter.

Then, one day I woke up and realized that that wasn’t the example I wanted to show Kyrie. I didn’t want to show her to accept things she wasn’t okay with, to allow others to take her out of character, all of it. It wasn’t who I was, and definitely not what I want my daughter to be.

My last relationship broke me in a way I never thought I could be broken. Shit, I never thought he’d want to break me. We were once so happy, and all of that changed. What can I say besides, shit happens. Til this day I feel like he is still trying to break me, and that’s okay for me now, because I know he can’t. I am so much stronger than I was before. Do I hurt? Of course! I’m human. What really keeps me going is that I never fucking fall down. No matter WHAT is done to me, I don’t fold, I don’t bend, I don’t fuckin break!!!

Ladies, the first step in forgiveness for me, is allowing yourself to feel. Feel what you feel. You’re mad? You have that right! You’re sad? You have that right! Don’t be sorry for how you feel. You are entitled to that. If you don’t reflect on what you feel, you can’t get past it. This isn’t something that happens over night. It takes days, months, years, to be able to accept the hurt you went/go through.

Once you acknowledge what you feel, forgive yourself first. Forgive yourself for allowing certain things in your life. Lessons are blessings! Don’t be so hard on yourself momma!

You’ll know you’ve forgiven yourself when you’re more comfortable to talk about it. When you can talk about it, the way I am now. I forgive myself for allowing what I allowed. That’s why now I focus so hard on what I deserve, no matter what life throws at me.

I hope that all of you who are struggling with forgiveness, have forgiven yourself first. There is no time frame on forgiveness and healing. I am going to say it again, feel what you feel. Cry, scream, stomp, whatever YOU need.

One thing God does is speak very loudly. I will leave you guys with what is coincidently, the Bible verse of the day:

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. — Ephesians 4:32

I love each of you all so much, and just want to remind you that I am here for you. WE are here for you. Feel free to let anything out in the comments below. This is a safe space, 💐